Why the People of Cinema Podcast

There were a variety of reasons that I decided to start producing a podcast. It’s about a topic that I love to talk about, it’s a chance to routinely converse with people that I don’t talk often enough with, it’s trendy (being trendy really matters to me,) and the most important part (though trendiness invigorates me like blood to vampires) is that I don’t get these perspectives often.

I’m an avid media consumer. I watch far too much television, film and web video. I obsessively read articles on various news, tech, and entertainment sites. The trades are one of the first things I click open in the morning. Any time my eyeballs are too occupied is repurposed as podcast listening time. I always have a rotation of books on my Kindle and nightstand. Twitter is my spirit animal. As much as I am consuming there are very few moments where I get to taste perspectives that are similar to mine, especially in the context of being in the entertainment industry.

Media is powerful, it affects how we view things, how we react, the decisions we make. I have a list of films that affected how I act and think-without those films I wouldn’t be working in the film industry, I wouldn’t know who I am as a person. But it is impossible to miss the lack of representation and voices. Creating film and television takes a lot of people, I love the collaboration of it all, but even though women make up more than half of the world’s population that doesn’t extend to the representation and creation of media.

The Women’s Media Center, an organization that works to increase the visibility, viability and power of women in media, has researched and compiled a lot of statistics that put things into perspective and motivates me. Here are some of note, their 2015 report with even more statistics is here.

As of the beginning of 2015, women are outnumbered by men in every major film, broadcast, cable and digital shows-as leads, directors, writers, and creators.

In the top 200 films of 2014, the ratio of male directors to female directors is 8 to 1.

Women television writers earned about 92 cents to every dollar that white male writers earned.

Men accounted for 85% of all credited screenwriters in 2012.

10% of 220 examined TV shows hired no women or minority directors.

Films with relatively diverse casts enjoyed the highest median global box office receipts and highest median return on investment.

Audiences gave highest ratings to TV shows that roughly matched the nation’s racial makeup.

There are so many stories, perspectives and talent that are hidden from so many people because of gender, race and sexuality. For all the strides being made, there are very few voices from people that identify across multiple identities-i.e. black and female, Asian and gay, etc. People of Cinema is my and my friends attempt to add some of those voices from the perspectives of young aspiring entertainers. We are just starting out in the industry and hungry. We hope by sharing, discussing and learning we can increase the rhetoric, awareness and connection to this issue.

I’m beyond excited to go on this journey, to learn, to do, and to keep fighting for equality. I hope that you'll join us.

What I'm Thankful for: 2015 Edition

We all have off days.

"We all have off days."

This past year or so have been interesting and formative, and ultimately, I’m thankful and grateful to so many people. For helping through the hard times, for breaking me down and for challenging me. I’m in Los Angeles, at a job that I love, in a field that I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life working in. I have so much to be thankful for.

Without my family I would be no where, the strength and resilience that my mother and brother gave me, the advice and support of my father- I am so thankful for all that they give me and continue to give me.

To my friends that stood by me and to the new ones that have developed in LA. I am so grateful for those late nights commiserating about joblessness and the crazy stories about the industry. I’m so excited to keep growing our relationships and fueling the creative fires that we all have.

Before getting to Los Angeles, I lot of people talked about how nasty the people in Hollywood can be. But I’ve been lucky and so thankful for all the amazing people that I have met so far. The mentorship and advice that I have been given has been invaluable, I can’t wait to learn more from all of these talented people.

Thanks to all of the people that stood in my way, broke my heart, say no, and try to ruin my life. Conflict sucks, but it is hell of a motivator, and always learning experience. Keep challenging me, so I can get better.

Thank you to all the amazing creators out there inspiring me and pushing me to work harder. I want to thank all of my teachers and coaches at Carolina for helping and and teaching me, in the classroom and beyond. Thank you to everyone that gave me the tools and skills to keep growing and to keep living.

It’s scientifically proven that gratitude helps with health, so this is a selfish ploy on my part. But I am really so thankful for everyone in my life, good or bad. Here’s to another year of celebrating a holiday with a terrible historical origin, but a great heart that gets cannibalized for capitalism cause stuff is pretty cool.

A Brief Note on Back to the Future

Today’s the day that Marty McFly and Doc Brown arrived in 2015 which makes it a very special day for all BTTF fans. There’s already plenty of celebrations and parties, tributes and brand deals (Universal is beyond happy that Disney passed on BTTF.) I’m not here to be critical or factual. For a great article on why BTTF is a perfect blockbuster film, one of my favorite critics Todd VanDerWerff wrote one.

Back to Future (and its sequels) is one of those films that every aspiring filmmakers have, the “Films That Made Me Want To Make Films” list. On first watch the movie was a fun, thrilling take on time travel, family and growing up. On every subsequent watch, the brilliant directing, writing, and pacing shines through. Even just reading the script is a great time because everything about it is clever and fun (go read it.) To say that I aspire to make movies like BTTF would be an understatement. Without this film (and a couple more) I wouldn’t have understood the power that film could have. This is why I’m writing this post and why I will continue to watch (and force other people to watch) Back to Future at least once a year.

Hi, my name is Wynton and I have a problem.

It's hard to admit that there's a problem. Saying that failure is important, vital, just a part of every day life is easy. Actually believing it is another thing-heart and mind aren't as synchronous as we hope. I have depression.

I've been avoiding it for such a long time that I was actually surprised when it stopped me from getting out of bed. When it sapped me of all energy, when it stole my motivation, blurred my focus, and made me question my existence.

I will not apologize for having depression, it only creates this circular thought train that solves nothing. Just like an allergy or any persistent illness, depression is a sickness and I have it, it is not something that I chose.

I will apologize for not dealing with it sooner, for not seeking help earlier, for thinking that I could deal with it alone. For the past three weeks it debilitated me-I couldn't do the things that I loved doing-the mere thought of trying to write made me sweat and froze my heart. I couldn't deal with the responsibilities that I chose to take because I care about them, because it made me think that I would fail immediately, that I would let down the people around me. I couldn't speak to the people I love because I didn't trust myself to be the person that they thought I was, because I wasn't me. I was trying to be me but I couldn't have been because there was this creature gripping my heart, reaching up and through my mind, its tentacles holding everything dead still as I desperately tried to live.

"Should" is now a word that I'm wary of, because I've realized how prevalent dissonance is. What is on the outside, what is spoken is often not what's on the inside, the true motivating factor. Should I have gone to professionals earlier? Absolutely. Should I have told my loved ones how I've been feeling? Yes. Should I let this illness define me? Should I let it take away the things that I love? Restrict the things that I do? Be the first thing that I think about when I wake up? It's easy to say no to all of these things-if you live in a utopia. But we don't.

Mental illness is taboo. It is an easy excuse, made up, fantasy, weakness. Being Chinese, being American-mental illness is regarded as something that happened to others, and always with an eye roll attached. In a recent report by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, 42.5 million Americans (18.2% of the population) suffer from mental illness. Of those, 9.3 million are afflicted so seriously that it impedes with day-to-day activity. These numbers are probably lower than what is really out there since many people don't get the help that they need. I didn't.

The paranoia that paralyzed me as I realized that I may have a problem wasn't born from the idea that there may not be a solution but from the thoughts of what others would think of me; my friends, family, professors, peers, employers. However, the stigma of mental illness doesn't just hurt the individual suffering. It hurts those around us, it stresses prisons systems, fills the street with homeless, crowds hospitals. I highly recommend reading about the importance of dealing with mental illness, USA Today has a great multi-story feature.

I'm getting professional help and I'm more than ready (though a little nervous) to work towards becoming the person that I know that I can be. I am still the hard working, responsible, clever (?) person that I was before depression took over my life. I'm so thankful for the family and friends that I have, for the amazing support systems I didn't realize I have (and that you probably have to.) I wouldn't have had the strength to get the help that I need without my loved ones.

If you feel like you are drowning, suffocating, paralyzed, pinned down, whatever imagery that works with how you're feeling, talk to someone. Consider speaking with a professional, you are worth it, your mind, your sanity is worth it.  If you are having any destructive thoughts please call this hotline (if you are in the US) 1-800-273-8255. Know that you aren't alone, that I'm right beside you. That regardless of what your mind (or others (what jerks)) are saying about you, that you deserve love-not just to receive it, but to give it as well. To anyone that I know IRL, please know that I am here if you'd like to talk about anything that is bothering you, don't be afraid-I'm the last person to judge.

Happy Thanksgiving. I know that I'm thankful of pretty much everything right now, especially all of my family and friends supporting me.

I love you.

P.S. It feels so good to write again. Try it, you're probably better than I am ;)

RIP Robin Williams

To say I owe a lot to Robin Williams would be a gross understatement. It would be a lie made through gritted teeth and teary eyes. It would a betrayal of who I am and who I will be because without what Robin Williams created and brought to the world I couldn't possibly imagine who I would be. No other human being has made me laugh, cry and understand the value of art and artists in the world more than Robin Williams. His standup is what I aspire to write and perform like. His performances have made me want to do it all just like he could, pulling every laugh and every emotion out of the audience. Between Good Will Hunting and The Fisher King, Williams made me empathize like very few can, those performances will stay with me forever. Not only because they are master classes in acting but because Williams could make you understand so clearly and beautifully. One of my dreams was to meet you, to get the opportunity to work with you, to just see if I could learn even more from you.

I'm trying desperately to not talk about myself-to focus on this amazing, genuine, wonderful, talented, giving human being. To shine one more light among the millions of others spotlighting the gifts that Robin Williams gave to all of us. To remind you how he is one of the feel people in the world to actually EGOT. To tell you to watch every Robin Williams movie and TV episode and stand-up special because you will never laugh and cry more. But that wouldn't really compel me to write this post nor explain the tears and snot all over my face. Robin Williams was like a father to me. No fuck that, he was a father to me.

He taught me to be bold, to make all the weird voices and faces I could possibly fathom and to make those that I couldn't. He taught me that a good laugh can be a powerful force, and that a single, genuine look can break and rebuild your heart. He taught me to never be afraid of silly, to always give 210% as soon as you commit to something. To love what you love apologetically. To not be afraid of trying different things, for accepting challenges. To never apologize for being yourself and if yourself is a little than even better.

Robin Williams, you are irreplaceable, the world has dimmed a bit without you here. I hope with all my heart that you can feel how much we all miss you. Rest in Peace, I will forever be indebted to you and will continue to love you with every fiber of my being.

Documentaries: A Chance to Explore the World, an Opportunity to Join a Community

This post was originally written for and posted on www.studentsoftheworld.org

“ There is nothing better for the soul than going to Full Frame” –Doug Block, Director of 112 Weddings, The Kids Grow Up, 51 Birch Street, and Home Page.

Nothing makes me feel more comfortable than the smell of cinema popcorn, the slightly squeaky seats and the gradual dimming of the lights before darkness cocoons you. Then you are transported.

In the beginning of April, I was lucky enough to represent Students of the World at the Full Frame Documentary Festival in my home state of North Carolina. I’ve lived in the Triangle area for the majority of my life and the transformation of Durham from a factory town into a metropolitan city has been awe inspiring. When I think about what makes Durham a cultural city Full Frame is one of the first things that pop into my mind.

I’d like to congratulate and thank the organizers and programmers of Full Frame on the excellent job they did this year (and every year.) I was transported to so many different places and lived the lives of so many amazing human beings, that at the end of each day I felt like I had spent hours traveling because that was how emotionally drained I was.

I watched twelve films over the course of about four days; each film opened a door, led me on a journey and introduced me to people that I may never have the chance to meet personally. From the amazing work done by Kit Gruelle as detailed in Cynthia Hill’s powerful Private Violence to the transformation of Mahoma Lopez from disgruntled worker to powerful activist in Rachel Lears and Robin Blotnick’s inspirational The Hand That Feeds. Each film allowed me to explore and understand a perspective that I would never have been able to experience due to time, money and, most importantly, access.

That is what makes documentaries and Full Frame so amazing; they grant us access-into the lives of others and to the filmmakers’ processes and opinions. And that is brave. At almost every one of the screenings where filmmakers were present to introduce the films, each filmmaker took the time to thank and praise their subjects for their courage and strength to allow these cameras and people into their lives. To trust the filmmakers to craft a story that would be an effective reflection of something much larger.

It is brave of the filmmakers to be so transparent and open about their films and the process of making their films. By breaking the fourth wall that is normally set up in a cinema experience through Q&A sessions and simply being available to chat and discuss on site relationships are created that transcend the normal creator and consumer connection. I have never felt more comfortable among strangers because this medium, by necessity and the nature of it, is collaborative and community-driven.

All of these elements gel together to represent what makes documentaries and Full Frame experiences that should be enjoyed by everyone-community, collaboration and conversation. So I implore you, the millennial that aspires to travel around the world, to affect the lives of others, to tell the stories that are seldom told, my peer, to watch more documentaries, to connect with creators, and to head down to sunny Durham, North Carolina next April. I know I’ll be there with open arms and a smile on my face.

7 Films from the Full Frame Film Festival that Students of the World students should watch and why.

This post was originally written for and posted on the Students of the World national site at www.studentsoftheworld.org Full Frame as a film festival is amazing and I would highly recommend that everyone try to make the trip down to Durham every year. But I understand that many times life creates some obstacles that make that a difficult venture. However, you can get a taste of the festival experience by watching some of the films that premiered/screened there. Plus nothing makes you a better filmmaker than watching films. Here are my recommendations (in no particular order) for other SOW students.

Private Violence dir. Cynthia Hill Awarded The Kathleen Bryan Edwards Award for Human Rights at Full Frame this year, this intimate and powerful piece about domestic violence is a film that everyone should watch. Hill and her partner Rex Miller spent many months with some women as they deal with an issue that impacts millions of women both in the United States and around the world. Beginning by attempting to answer the question, “Why doesn't she just leave?” the film explores the many layers that complicate the issue of domestic violence and abuse in general. Private Violence is a fantastic example of the power of individual stories, the importance of trust and courage especially when telling difficult stories.

Captivated-The Trials of Pamela Smart dir. Jeremiah Zagar Beautifully directed, Captivated, is a twisting and turning exploration of media and the power that it wields. A great conversation starter about media, it asks both content creators and consumers to question the things we make and see, even while we are watching the film. This film is the documentary companion to Paddy Chayefsky and Sidney Lumet's fantastic Network. Zagar is masterful in the mixing of archival and shot footage, and his method of framing and presenting archival footage is beautiful and poignant.

The Hand that Feeds dir. Rachel Lears and Robin Blotnick Scrappy, funny, and moving this film takes a look at something that most people don't pay attention to-the rights of low-wage workers. Following the journey of a group of workers in a “Hot and Crusty” shop in New York City, The Hand that Feeds is an amazing example of clarity and editing as you follow the works over quite a long period of time but still fully understand the narrative. It does an amazing job juggling a color ensemble. The film deals with an issue that impacts millions of people but is hidden to many, there are moments of heart-wrenching disappointing, bu the film is wonderfully fun and inspiring, an important reason that made it the winner of the Full Frame Audience Award.

Ivory Tower dir. Andrew Rossi A film that has some structural issues, Ivory Tower, is still a piece that I would recommend to everyone, especially if you are a student. Well-researched and full of differing perspectives, Ivory Tower, explores the higher education system and some of the issues that have arisen as the system and expectations have changed. A great conversation starter about education and our American system in particular, it will may make you think differently about the years (and money) you are spending in college.

The Case Against 8 dir. Ben Cotner and Ryan White Following the appeal case of two California couples against Proposition 8, The Case Against 8, looks beyond the legalese and explores the people behind the case. A wonderful example of how to compress years into a well-structured and organized, as well as deal with a diverse cast. The Case Against 8 is a beautiful and moving film that inspires as much as it reveals.

Evolution of a Criminal dir. Darius Clark Monroe First person documentaries are not normally what people imagine documentaries to be but Darius Clark Monroe's Evolution of a Criminal, is an intimate, powerful story about the filmmaker and those around him. Winner of both the Reva and David Logan Grand Jury Award and the Center of Documentary Studies Award at Full Frame, Evolution of a Criminal, mixes interviews with recreations beautifully and powerfully. Monroe's thesis film out of NYU, he expertly plays with expectations and rhythm as he explores criminals and criminality. Darius Clarke Monroe is a filmmaker to keep an eye out for.

Hacked Circuit dir. Deborah Stratman A beautifully shot short film that explores foley artists, I admit that this pick is a bit self-indulgent. As a filmmaker I've always love getting a chance to explore some of the lesser known steps of filmmaking. Beyond the seeing the amazing amount of detail that the artists take, the entire film is shot in one floating take, and contains some clips from one of my favorite movies. Go check out Hacked Circuit and appreciate one more aspect of filmmaking.

Snowpocalypse 2014

Click on a photo to open a prettier gallery view.

All photos taken by Wynton Wong

When I Cry

Know that when I cry I am not ashamed. Not ashamed of the tears running down my face, the growing redness of my eyes, and my inability to breathe consistently. That as you judge me I'm still working and thinking.

Know that when I cry, it is not negative. It is not bad or sad or weak that I cry. That tears are natural and beautiful just like a smile or that twinkle in my eye.

Know that when I cry it is not about you. It is not about the words you've said or the things you did. That whatever you think you did to target me, to make me cry, is not true.

Know that when I cry it is always for me, by me, in me. You did not break my heart, I did for believing and trusting you. You did not defeat me, I did. You did not hurt me, I did. You can say that I don't have that control. And I don't, but neither do you.

Know that when I cry I am strong. I am as strong as when I laugh or when I shout. I am always fighting, whether it is through tears and gritted teeth or with a smirk on my face.

Know that when I cry I appreciate everything that you do. Whether it is a hug or a gentle words, know that every bit helps but also know that whatever it is I will fight, I will work through it, and I will ask for help.

I will change, for better or worse, and I will cry. Just like I will smile, shout and laugh. I will cry and I am proud of it.

FDOC Spring 2014

 

It is the first day of classes at Carolina in the spring semester of my junior year and I'm still at home working (no class till 5pm) being two blog posts behind (I'll catch up I promise.)

I miss Mexico...

21st Celebrations

Tulum Performers

Tulum Performers , a photo by wwingwong on Flickr.

Via Flickr:
After a performing a ceremonial dance, two performers take a break from the sun. Mexico Winter '13

Plans for this blog in 2014

Day 2 of fulfilling new year resolutions has gone well so far with this post being the bit of writing that I'll be doing today. 

This blog has always been a bit of a nebulous wormhole for some of my written thoughts and I think it's about time that a certain amount of structure is brought in. One-because structure definitely helps with productivity and two-consistent and engaging posts on the Internet builds my portfolio which may lead to more things in my future (or the opposite...) 

The Plan-At least one post a day

     Post meaning anything and everything-rants, essays, reviews, photos, videos, etc. I'm planning on filling this place with something everyday.

I'm planning on posting about the movies I watch, the books I read, etc. I also want to do some researched pieces and I will definitely be posting more of my pictures and videos.

To say that I'm excited to force myself to post something to the Internet public is a bit of a stretch but 2014 is all about doing new things (plus the NSA has all of my privacy anyways) so let's do this.

 

See you tomorrow, Internet.

Resolutions for 2014

I'm writing this clichéd post with my first (and only?) tattoo healing and Carolina Basketball on the TV-getting ready to leave to work as a bar back on New Year's Eve. A lot has happened in 2013 and to say that I have changed because of it is a gross understatement. From traveling the world and meeting new people to taking small steps towards being more comfortable with myself-2013 has been revelation filled. I fully realize how hyperbolic that is, but I'm okay with it (also I just don't know how else to describe it.) Enough of the past (for now) on to the future and 2014-here are some goals (or resolutions cause that is such an "it" word this time of year.)

 

Take better care of my body

     Health and fitness have always been important to me but I've definitely lost somethings as I've grown more busy, so this year I resolve to make taking care of myself a solidified routine. Specifically floss everyday, stretch everyday, and run/swim/walk everyday. 

Read 50 books.

     I need to read more and I think 50 is a pretty solid number to aim for. This includes fiction and nonfiction, novellas and graphic novels, pretty much everything that is a lengthy text but not a longread. 

Watch 200 movies.

     I'm planning on starting with the Sight and Sounds list mixed in with the Oscar and indie favorites of 2013.

Take notes more. 

     I've made the realization that my memory is terrible so to combat this I'm going to try to write/type down as much as I can on as much as I can. I'm considering a Ryan Holiday esque type of system-perhaps more digital. Right now I'm starting with my trusty notebook and Evernote. 

Write everyday. 

     I know that I had this as a goal last year but I kinda fell off the wagon-so here we go again, same details apply.

Spend an hour everyday learning a new language.

     I've traveled and met a lot of amazing new people in 2013, through it all it made me realize how important communication is so here's to making it a little bit easier for everyone. I'm planning on working with my mum to clean up my Cantonese (perhaps learn to read/write.) I'll be doing at least one Duolingo set of Spanish and German everyday, and I'm hoping to get started on Mandarin some time soon. 

Spend an hour everyday learning a new skill.

     Through some digging I've learned that as a Carolina student I have access to Lynda courses for free so first on the list is coding so that I can get a nice website up. Once I'm through with that I'm sure things like After Effects will be what I spend my hour on.

Make more.

     This is a bit more general but one thing that has hit me the most going through 2013 is how much I love making things-so here is to more posts, videos, pictures, whatever in 2014.

 

This is a lot and I'm sure I'm going to fail at achieving some of these but failure is okay (learned that in 2012, reinforced in 2013.) Here's to another year of adventure and change. Bring it on 2014.

My Trip to L.A.

It's been close to a month since I got off an airplane and my feet walked the sooty ground of Los Angeles.

And I'm still reeling, still amazed, and still yearning for more.

I'd like to thank Students of the World for the trip and all of the amazing opportunities. Without this chance, I'm not entirely sure that I would be as excited for the next two years of my life.

Thanking people always seemed a bit disingenuous to me, they are just words-and they can be such lies (as a writer, I know). But I truly do mean this when I say thank you so much for everything that I have learned and, more importantly, showing me that I am not alone in my ideals and hopes.

It is easy to think with the Internet that it would be easy to connect to people of the same ilk as you and to a certain extent that is true-but nothing can compare to seeing the sparkle in the eyes of someone in front of you when the conversation truly interests them. Nothing is the same as when you sit at a table with strangers you've just met and your heart grows because they have seeded themselves in you, and you never want to say goodbye.

I suffered a moment of anxiety when I first received the email that I would be sent to L.A. It wasn't that I thought it was a scam, that it would be a waste of my time, or that I would be sold into some kind of slavery that would ultimately lead to my young death (though I did think about all these things). I was nervous that I wouldn't connect with the people, the message, the mission. With organizations like Students of the World, where the ultimate goal is to do good, I often find that people are blinded by hope and good intentions. While that inspires me I often find myself drained of energy because the cynical side of me (believe or not, it exists) just wants to laugh in their face and tell them, "But how is this going to happen? How are you going to convince others? How is this going to keep you alive?" etc. This absolutely tears me up inside, because I desperately want the world to work in a way where everyone is sure in their decisions and their hope and dreams can just power all systems-but it doesn't.

You would think that in L.A., a city described to suck souls out of hopeful artists leaving only dried husks of people flailing on poles, would only exacerbate my feelings. And while I admit the city as its own entity was not quite as awe inspiring as places like New York City, Toronto, and my home town of Hong Kong, the people I got to meet blew my mind. Not just out of my skull leaving me just incapable of having quality conversation (*cough*David Simon *cough*) but with so much awesome that some of it actually stayed in my brain and continues to inspire me everyday.

Thank you for all of the wonderful information and stories that made my brain keep turning and turning in hopes that I could figure out a way to create a time machine so that I could keep learning more. Thank you for reinforcing the idea that failure is real, normal, and something that you should embrace. Thank you for believing that my and future generations can do good and trusting us enough to ask for our opinions (sorry about trashing your new TV show, but we just want to help). Thank you for giving us connections and a network with some of the most amazing people I have ever met (so amazing that I don't feel worthy to mentioned in the same breath as them). Thank you for giving me something real to strive for and work hard towards.

There are few decisions that I have made that I do not regret in some capacity, the decision to found a chapter of Students of the World at UNC-CH is something that I believe in whole-heartedly and do not regret in any way.

Greatest Gratitudes to everyone at Students of the World, Participant Media, and all of the new friends I've made.

P.S. I regret my attempt to use "greatest gratitudes" in lieu of "thank you." I regret that a lot, forgive me.

Purpose

It's funny how much your brain starts to spin when your summer winds down. So begins a rant (perhaps every rant).

 

An idea has popped in my head multiple times for the past weeks, the idea of purpose-why are we doing these things, why not?

 

Examples:

I go to school because I like to learn things or because it is the socially acceptable thing to do to get a job, which is a socially acceptable thing to have, or perhaps some combination of the two?

 

I want to tweet this joke because I want to make a joke at hipster culture and make my followers laugh or I want people to know what I've done and where I am?

 

I hang out with these friends because they have possible connections and we have decent conversations or I just like to hang out with them?

 

Purpose is silly, frivolous and arbitrary but it is still the thing that drives my decisions the most-I use it to justify whether I do something, or don't.

It is freeing to have a process in making decisions and acting-I've probably made many more choices than I have before, but it bogs me down. It clouds everything in mysterious fog, something that automatically gives everything an air of importance and danger. So I shirk back-wondering is this right, and if this is the purpose of the medium, what is the purpose of my choice? Why am I choosing to share something on Facebook, Twitter, or Instagram.

 

Why I am sharing these thoughts on this blog?

 

Purpose is important, I know that and I respect that, but do you think I could get a guide? I'm more than a bit confused.

In Limbo

I wrote my first YouTube comment today.

Not a quick blurb to get a chance to enter something, not some garbage that just so happen to accidentally get in there. I looked over the comments already placed to see if anyone had posted a similar thought to me, found none, and posted a comment.

To be honest, I didn't post commentary on the video I had watched, I didn't respond to another comment, I didn't post a random thought I had that is vaguely related to the video-I posted a question. Be it a question that I genuinely have to someone I absolutely admire. So I'm not quite diving head first into Internet participation.

 

 

I know this is weird and you are probably thinking to yourself, "What do you mean Internet participation? Aren't you participating right now? You've blogged before (and some pretty personal stuff too), you have Twitter, Facebook, etc.

 

My personal history of Internet use also paints me as an avid user of the Internet. I had dial-up, my first email was an AOL account, I had a pretty busy Xanga site (and by busy I mean a lot of colors and glitter,) I even was an avid user of Habbo hotel for about 8 months. But beyond basic communication with close friends and family I've been tentative with my Internet use. Tentative in the sense that sometimes it's not really me on the Internet (not tentative in the sense of the amount of time I've spent on the Internet...so many hours.) At least, it's not 100% of me-I never really immersed myself into the Internet, unlike, many of my peers.

 

I didn't Instagram myself, Facebook my every thought, even my obsession with Twitter is mostly voyeuristic-in fact most of my Internet usage is observational.

 

Why? Self-consciousness, confidence issues, over-saturation, and paranoia.

 

There are a multitude of security issues, the reliance of the information as well as the perception of that information worries me constantly. There are a lot of artists, writers, filmmakers, etc., on the Internet-how much more different could my contribution be-why add to the overflowing pot. I don't think any of the things I've produced and created is worthy of "publication."

 

All of these thoughts have (and will continue to) go through my head. Which is why I've been in this strange participatory but not, not quite entirely observational space.

 

However, it is a time for change (honestly, when is there not a time for change?) and in an effort to step out of my head and (a bit) more into the "real" world I've decide to "publish" a bit more blindly. Take more security measures but not let the fear of thievery stall me. Not care what other people think of me (though this bit is a little terrifying, because I'd like to have a job). More importantly, not view "publishing" as sending out a finished product for the Internet to gnaw on, but instead take it as one more step towards finalizing projects. Furthermore, I may be one more repetitive post/video/graphic/etc. on the Internet, but I did it, and I like to think I'm a little bit different than everyone else.

 

So here I go...Hope some of you join this ride, no matter how far or how long it goes.

Some Thoughts After the Zimmerman Verdict

I'll preface this by saying that I'm grateful. Grateful for the life that I have lived, my family, my friends, the opportunities that I've had and will (hopefully) continue to have.

However, currently the world sucks.

Hopefully, if you are reading this you've heard about George Zimmerman being found not guilty of a multitude of charges stemming from the February 26th killing of 17-year old Trayvon Martin (and if you have not, or are not up-to-date on the details there are a multitude of sites that contain more information, please read up on it). My thoughts echo a lot of those being sent through social media, and my thoughts go out to the Martin family.

The handling of this trial along with all of the news of the past couple months has only made me firmer in my belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with the American justice, political and media systems. If the news of PRISM, of the Moral Monday riots in NC,  the anti-abortion bills throughout the country, and the media handling of all of this (don't even get me started on the false, racist names that were broadcasted on national television after the Asiana flight accident) hasn't made you question our systems of government and beyond-I'm not sure that you are living in the same world that I am.

The lack of transparency and communication is alarming to me and it scares me beyond belief-so what do I, do we do next?

I'm not sure, and there are much better and smarter people who may have some of these answers. I hope that they begin to speak up.

Because that is what I plan to do.

It can be so easy to hide, to hold your tongue, and I've done that. When I first heard about PRISM I was angry but more strongly, I was scared. I immediately dove into movies, television, books, any where I could live somewhere else and some other time. However, each film, each episode, each book only gave me more thoughts on what is exactly wrong and what could be done, every piece of media gave me another perspective, another view, and more importantly, hope.

It is now that I realize this is why I want to work in media. To make a difference, to make things more transparent, so that we can communicate better. Media that will help us understand perspectives and ideas, give us hope or slap us to attention, inform us towards action, teach us so we can to the best of our ability-this is what I strive for.

I hope today's decision, as well as everything that has happened so far, can help you find something you can do to make this world a little less awful.

Learn more, listen more, see more, do more.

An Update...

I am currently sitting in bed. Having done nothing the entire day except avoid all of my responsibilities. My brain desperately worries about the script I have to rewrite, the footage I have to edit, the material that I need to study for, my future in general.

Before I go any further, I also want to apologize for the lack of posts on this site (I am fully aware that I do this all the time.) The past couple of weeks have been insane (both in a good way, and in a more “I just realized that the Insane Clown Posse is an actual, popular thing.) But throughout it all I kept thinking-this would be something cool to write about, oh I’d like to think this through with some typing, could this make me internet famous?

So instead of rewriting my script, I’m going to write a quick Cliffnotes/Sparknotes (both are very useful-love, awful stupid student) of some of the thoughts that have gone through my head since my last post. Both for you (imaginary readers, that according to analytics are not that imaginary) and me so that I can remember to write more about these things.

GERONIMO (Just watched Doctor Who, they are definitely trying to get Matt Smith to use the 11th Doctor’s catchphrase more-we may reach Tennant levels if the current trend keeps up.)

1. I was lucky enough to be chosen as the student playwright for Activated Art at the Ackland this year. I got to work with some amazing professionals, go through a very similar process that many working playwrights go through (8 drafts and counting,) meet inspiring people, and get to see my play performed in front of me. The entire process was amazing, unimaginable and strange. I will definitely go into much more detail as to how everything went but the biggest thing that I got out of this experience is this. Creativity is scary.

When your ideas are still in your head there is a certain amount of control. You can still manipulate the ether, shine your light into the unknown darkness, hide from the scary bits, and keep mulling it over.

But the moment you say it aloud, the moment that other people can hear, can see, can feel what you are thinking-any semblance of control is gone. And that is scary. Just as terrifying as those moments when you question personal loneliness, as exhilarating as when your fingers brush against your crushes, as encompassing as when you dive straight into the deep end. It was overpowering and there were days where I left rehearsal seriously considering my current path towards a creative career. Yet I am still here.

2. During those hazier moments I realized how powerful just simple gestures and emotions are. Because it boiled down to just seeing someone genuinely smile at me. It was a beacon in the darkness that I am ever grateful for. And it is addicting-I never really understood the strength of another person. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had my crushes, my loves, my unrequited loves that create collapsing black holes in my heart. I just thought it was me, that my silly head created these feelings in the absence of anything really tangible (essentially angsty teen.)

But the emotions that washed over me when I saw that smile, when it was directed at me-because of me. I want that feeling, and I want it forever.

3. Forever is such a silly concept, especially when you connect all of the wibbly-wobbly timey wimey stuff to it. Time is such a strange concept-something that I want to keep exploring especially in context with the human lifespan, “milestone” moments, biological development, culture-essential “what are we meant to do, and when.”

4. This would be even more interesting when you add human relationships to it. Thing I also learned-human relationships-I know nothing, so I need to discover, explore, and investigate.

5. Discover, Explore, and Investigate.

Those three verbs are what I need to constantly keep doing. Learning is important and it is very hard to keep that in context when culture keeps pushing as to just do. How do we make learning a lifelong priority? How do we make it as flexible and adaptable as the human brain/evolution? Why does my current university learning experience make me question everything (and not in the good, whoa the world way.)

6. I suck.

The world is an amazing, glorious place. Filled with inspiration, joy and mysteries. I love that it exists, but I question my place in it. There is a part of me that just wants to blend in-become part of the ecosystem so well that people forget that I’m there. Another part of me wants to be extraordinary-be fascinating, be wanted. I’ve thought about this dichotomy a lot-how culture creates these ideas and expectations for me, but the most that I’ve concluded is-I suck.

I’m going to end on that cheery note because that has been my lingering thought lately, so may it linger in your thoughts a bit.

Perhaps I will elaborate on all these points in the near future, I’d like to. But remember I suck, so I might not.

Talk to you soon blank word document, you devil you.

Success...Yay?

I’ve been busy (really, I’m not trying to garner attention or sympathy.)(Perhaps, a little) School, fencing, projects, personal relationships-everything that composes normal life for a student-athlete. Don’t get me wrong, I love it. Knowing that I am doing things that I love to do, and I am (was) good at it. Even as close as two weeks ago, I was ahead on work-emails were replied to in seconds, things were done and I had some free time. However, now...Well now I’m not so ahead (not that I’m particularly behind.) What has changed? I’m not entirely sure but I have a hunch. I don’t really have time for hunches-I have a biology exam tomorrow, another draft of a play to write, sequence 5 of my feature, scheduling to do for my documentary project, scheduling to do for CAN, readings to do for my COMM class, and probably more (nevermind, my collegiate fencing duties, my relationships with people, my personal goals and my vanity.) Perhaps I’ll talk more about my specific projects and duties. But I don’t really have time for that. I could be writing about a dystopian future right now, instead I am writing about how I am feeling (why I am feeling) in an attempt to right myself for the amount of work I need to do. The thing is, my hunch at least, that I’m afraid (terrified, paralyzed by) success. Silly, ridiculous, and unfortunate, really. It’s not that I’m satiated by it-the opposite. The mere taste, the slightest whiff of success makes my brain crave it, my mouth waters and want to grab it (whatever it is) and hold it close to me, squeezing (protecting) it. Failure has always been my companion (muse?) and when it side steps behind me, behind success, I feel different (anxious.) The drive is still there (stronger than ever.) But the focus disappears, it is as if victory (as fleeting as it is) taints me. Poisons me and I don’t want anymore doses...so I stop. Success is a strange beast, it fills me with pleasure but it terrifies me. It is never alone, it has friends that torment me. But most importantly (potently,) it makes failure a stranger again. Who was once a friend becomes a stranger, who in the dark becomes an enemy. It is the fear of someone that I knew so well that tinges success, because I know that if I let success through the door failure would follow close behind and stab my in the back. So I open the door for success, linger on the glorious view and just stare. It doesn’t make sense, it isn’t productive, it is extremely frustrating, and I want it to stop. The issue is how. Perhaps this post is an attempt to fix my problem. By writing it out, trying to understand it, that I will find the solution. Maybe I will, hopefully I do.